I went to Barnes and Noble this past week and browsed through the history section: American history, African history, Asian, European, Present-day, etc. I looked through it all. I cannot say I was looking for anything in particular, but I definitely was not looking for what I found. In the middle of the history section I stumbled upon the lives of thousands of people in my hands. Their lives, experiences, loves, losses and so much more have been imprinted on those pages, waiting to be soaked up by the passersby. But, something irked me as I held those books—they did not seem to be enough. I picked up a couple books about Darfur, the Holocaust, and Vietnam (yes, I know, not the happiest of topics), but these books did not seem to do justice to the lives within their covers. Who am I to judge that though—strictly opinion.
Last night I read about Dr. Josef Mengele, a doctor who performed experimental procedures on people during the Holocaust—injecting things into their eyes to change their color, conjoining twins, performing surgeries without anesthesia, and placing live people in boiling water to document the body’s reaction were among some of his practices. Shit. I sat in bed, stunned. I had heard of Mengele and his practices before, but the combination of my upcoming trip, the books I have been reading, conversations with friends, and my past internship had this information hit me in a new way.
Then, at Barnes and Noble, these horrors and many more were in my hands. I could turn a page and transport my mind to these places. Anger filled me because it did not seem to be enough and yet I was enraged because it was too much. We cannot change the past, correct, but why are we not learning more from it. Presently, we have horrors occurring--now, as I write this, as I ate dinner, as I talked and laughed with my family. When and how do I learn my place in all of this? I want this changed—I desire change, but how do I go about that? I want so much out of my life, but I am afraid I will get stuck. I don’t want to get lazy or even so frustrated with these things that I become apathetic.
My trip to Thailand is rapidly approaching and I am slowly getting things on my list crossed off. Yesterday I received my Thai Visa—check. Plane tickets were purchased a few weeks ago—check. Slowly learning the Thai language—check. Create a packing list—check. As I did that though, creating my packing list, I thought about what shoes I needed to bring: sneakers, sandals, and teaching shoes—three pairs, but what three? Then, I thought about the fact that so many people do not even have one pair. I have seven blankets on my bed, too many pillows, countless clothes, enough food to keep me full and I feel unrest. I have family and friends who care and love me, I have a roof over my head and I am still looking for more…
This feeling of unrest has been present for quite some time, but it is possible that is it growing exponentially now because I feel as if I am not doing anything. I am done with school and in the “transition” stage. I am working here and there, but mainly I am preparing for Thailand. All of this extra time is lending itself to much thought.

I have created a Thailand blog. I cannot promise much from it, but it is a start. http://renaerowenhorst-thailandadventures.blogspot.com/

Presently, I am in the basement of Dordt's campus center. It has been about two years since I have sat here and, like expected, it is odd. I do not know these faces, I do not know this campus, I do not know this college. Yes, I have only been away for a semester, but somehow so much has changed. Or, have I changed? I did not realize how much I had detached myself from Dordt until I came back. This is no longer my college--which is okay. I think I banked out of here last year. I was definitely ready to leave and now that I am back I realize that leaving was the best thing that I could have done.

It has been great catching up with old friends. It has been, as expected, a bit odd. Leaving for a semester and then trying to jump in where you left off is always difficult; but, of course you still have those few friends you can just jump back in and even though so many things have changed, your friendship is still strong. I truly appreciate that. Catching up with Becca has also been long overdue. The craziness of both of our semesters did not lend to much conversation over the past couple of months. She has been busy studying for exams, but just seeing her has been rejuvenating. Thinking of having all three of the Rowenhorst girls back together again is thrilling. There will be much laughter, cuddling, teasing, and conversation.

I still have one paper left. Yes, I have procrastinated like non other. This semester I really put school on the back burner, which is something I had never done. I was always the student who finished her papers weeks in advance...no longer. It will get done, sometime. I think the student mindset at Dordt will help. At least, I hope so. However, here I am, procrastinating once again. I set off this morning hoping to finish up paperwork for my loans, sign "ending Dordt" paperwork, and start/finish my paper. The first two have been completed; the latter has not been touched. Here I am, writing on my blog instead.

When I return home, I will start up my job for a couple weeks and then I will set off to Thailand for a couple months. My trip is slowly coming together. There have been quite a bit of set backs, but I am trucking through and am hoping that it will all work out.

Now, time to get moving on that paper...

Last post while in Chicago. The past couple of weeks have been a blur of papers, readings, projects, etc., and I have loved every minute. Friday will be my last day at my internship and I am dreading it. I do not feel prepared to leave the place that has felt like home for the past four months. Trying to find words that express how I feel about my internship proves to be extremely difficult. Explaining the amount of love, passion, desire, joy, excitement, and feelings of worth I get while working there is almost impossible. I will miss this family, I will miss this population, and I will miss Chicago. I do not believe I have completely accepted the fact that I am leaving. I have four days left in this city, three days at my internship, and one day of class. It feels as if I just arrived. I was just walking around the city with Joseph--scared out of my mind. Looking back on my internship, I wonder where the time went. I accomplished and learned numerous things. I am not ready for home, but it is only for a short time. I will then fly off to Thailand for two months and then move back here, Chicago. Chicago will hold either work or school...or both.

I will be a college student for approximately three more days. I have one class, one paper, and three days of work left. Done. We all have worked for the past 16 years to achieve this....graduation. Then what? Job? Travel? More school? Bum around? It is now the time to take initiative. I am ready to move forward; I am ready to finish school. I would have considered school to be one of my favorite things--yes, I am a nerd--but after 16 years, I am ready to call it quits for a bit. I am applying to grad school and believe am ready to take on that challenge; however, I am also ready for the working world.

Excitement fills me when I think about the future, but hesitation comes when I think about what I am leaving behind. This semester was exactly what I needed--a lot of challenges in many ways. Will I be ready to leave it? No. Will I be ready to move on? We will see.

Next week I will visit Dordt and see friends that I have missed for the past couple of months, and I am eager to have conversation.

Finishing this entry is like finishing this semester--I have no words. So, I will leave it there.

I know. It has been a ridiculous amount of time since I have been on here. Oops. Because it would be horribly difficult for me to recap what I have done in the past few weeks I am just going to write about what comes to mind--a rehashing of Mr. Rhicards 11th grade English class if you will. :)

I cannot exactly explain the way I feel tonight. A sense of empowerment, a horrible feeling of being overwhelmed, independence, fear, frustration, anxiety, happiness, excitement...all rolled into one. How does that work?

My internship continues to go exceedingly well. I love it more and more each day and am still learning so much. I have been asked by numerous individuals if I would like to permanently work there, and I really think I would. I love working with the refugee population and find such importance in what I do and what others do at this organization. Yes, at times it is overwhelming and stressful--but what job isn't? What job worth its salt does not give you some sense of being overwhelmed? I would rather have it that way than be bored or have a feeling that what I am doing is menial. I want to be challenged and I want to go home and think about ways in which I can create change. I want this passion to continue. I was talking with my BSW seminar supervisor about how important passion is within social work--and within all occupations. We discussed the issue of social workers having a high burn-out rate and losing their passion for their work. Or, on the other hand some social workers do not find passion within their work. They continue to work at the organization they are at or with the population they are working with in hopes that passion will pop up, but it doesn't. I have found passion in this internship. On my train ride home after work there are days that I cannot help but beam with happiness. I love what I do and I want to continue it.

My classes are going well. They definitely keep me busy. Journals every day and papers every week. Readings and responses, etc. Discussions and thought-provoking readings. Studies and research projects. The joys of being a student. :) I have been wondering lately if I want to continue my education. I graduate this December and, I know I have written about this before, but I am unsure if I want to jump right into the work force or if I want to continue studying social work and receive my MSW. It is the smartest thing to continue my education while I am still in the mindset of being a student. I know. But, whenever I sit down and work on my grad school applications and personal statements, I quickly lose interest. I would rather research job openings in Chicago. Is this showing me that I should start working? I don't know. I know it is logical to get my MSW. It only takes a year and why not keep going, right? Hm... I am applying...slowly...but applying. We will see. If I get into a school in Chicago I will probably go. If I don't, well, we will see.

I did not think I would like it in Chicago as much as I do. I love the diversity, the culture, the people. I feel alive walking down the street. I do not feel alive in Sioux Center or Cloquet. At least, not the same type of alive. As usual, I am confused as to where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do. I feel as if I am at a crossroads. Grad school or work, Chicago or another city, work in Cloquet for a bit or jump out there. Oh my. My roommate and I were talking about how wonderful it would be if we had a magic eight ball that we could really trust. "Magic eight ball, do I move to Chicago?" "Magic eight ball, do I move home for a bit?" Etc. Etc. Etc. Life is not that simple.

Life in the city is continuing to go well. I have been attending many different art events and have been out and about (insert Minnesotan/Canadian accent) exploring the city. Last week I went to a version of Frankenstein, saw Jersey Boys, and visited numerous social work agencies around the city. I also visited small art gallery, volunteered at the Rebuilding Exchange, experienced part of a Diwali celebration, and traipsed around the city.

I feel the need to do. Do something. Change something. Create something. I am horrified of the future, but also enthralled by it. I want it more than anything, but I would like it to takes its own sweet time getting here. It is true, what they say, that time goes faster as you get older. I am only 21 and I feel as if every day is a blink. What is it going to feel like when I am 80? Hm. Well, with the way that time is going, I will be sure to find out quite soon.

Sorry for the lack of update. I have been very busy. This past weekend I went to supper with some friends and on our way there I ran into Joseph. It is so crazy when you run into someone you know in Chicago. It is something you never expect so when it happens it is fantastic. After dinner I went to 'Paranormal' with Joseph and two of his friends. I am a fan of scary movies, usually. I think the movies with demons and such scare me the most, so this one was not my cup of tea. Saturday was a lazy day. Kate and I watched lots of Friends and then we went to a midnight comedy club show with a couple friends. Sunday was another day of relaxation. I did, however, go to the zoo with Joe and one of his friends. It was my first time going to a zoo and it was amazing. I loved seeing the lions and tigers. They had an exhibit of spiders but there was no glass or net or anything blocking them from coming out. SCARY! Apparently people spray their webs and that makes them want to stay put. On Monday CS students had a holiday--Columbus Day--but I went into work for a couple hours. It felt nice to get some things accomplished. Today was a very productive day as well. The interns and I finished file reviews and now we need to just complete each file. I am still loving working there and feel as if I am learning so much. All the people I work with are so supportive. I don't think I could have been placed at a better site.

I am currently in the middle of so many little/huge projects. I am working on my Thailand information and I just finished writing my thank you letters. I am also slowly working on applying to grad school. I thought that I wanted to go to grad school, now I am not so sure. I really enjoy working and I was not expecting that. I thought it would be a good idea to continue with school as long as I am in the school-mode, but I feel as if being in Chicago has taken me out of the school-mode. I am not sure what I really want to do yet. My parents are coming out here this weekend, so I will talk to them about it and see what they think. If I don't go to grad school I am not completely sure what I will do--possibly move to Chicago and work or travel or work at my jobs in Cloquet for a bit more... who knows. An intern told me today about a scholarship program where students go overseas and take language classes. I think that would be an amazing experience. I am looking into it and will let you know what I find. :)

Well, back to homework I suppose.