I went to Barnes and Noble this past week and browsed through the history section: American history, African history, Asian, European, Present-day, etc. I looked through it all. I cannot say I was looking for anything in particular, but I definitely was not looking for what I found. In the middle of the history section I stumbled upon the lives of thousands of people in my hands. Their lives, experiences, loves, losses and so much more have been imprinted on those pages, waiting to be soaked up by the passersby. But, something irked me as I held those books—they did not seem to be enough. I picked up a couple books about Darfur, the Holocaust, and Vietnam (yes, I know, not the happiest of topics), but these books did not seem to do justice to the lives within their covers. Who am I to judge that though—strictly opinion.
Last night I read about Dr. Josef Mengele, a doctor who performed experimental procedures on people during the Holocaust—injecting things into their eyes to change their color, conjoining twins, performing surgeries without anesthesia, and placing live people in boiling water to document the body’s reaction were among some of his practices. Shit. I sat in bed, stunned. I had heard of Mengele and his practices before, but the combination of my upcoming trip, the books I have been reading, conversations with friends, and my past internship had this information hit me in a new way.
Then, at Barnes and Noble, these horrors and many more were in my hands. I could turn a page and transport my mind to these places. Anger filled me because it did not seem to be enough and yet I was enraged because it was too much. We cannot change the past, correct, but why are we not learning more from it. Presently, we have horrors occurring--now, as I write this, as I ate dinner, as I talked and laughed with my family. When and how do I learn my place in all of this? I want this changed—I desire change, but how do I go about that? I want so much out of my life, but I am afraid I will get stuck. I don’t want to get lazy or even so frustrated with these things that I become apathetic.
My trip to Thailand is rapidly approaching and I am slowly getting things on my list crossed off. Yesterday I received my Thai Visa—check. Plane tickets were purchased a few weeks ago—check. Slowly learning the Thai language—check. Create a packing list—check. As I did that though, creating my packing list, I thought about what shoes I needed to bring: sneakers, sandals, and teaching shoes—three pairs, but what three? Then, I thought about the fact that so many people do not even have one pair. I have seven blankets on my bed, too many pillows, countless clothes, enough food to keep me full and I feel unrest. I have family and friends who care and love me, I have a roof over my head and I am still looking for more…
This feeling of unrest has been present for quite some time, but it is possible that is it growing exponentially now because I feel as if I am not doing anything. I am done with school and in the “transition” stage. I am working here and there, but mainly I am preparing for Thailand. All of this extra time is lending itself to much thought.

I have created a Thailand blog. I cannot promise much from it, but it is a start. http://renaerowenhorst-thailandadventures.blogspot.com/